I often remark that my favourite aspect of The Real Housewives is when the series becomes like a Tennessee Williams play. This episode is like Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf: totally wonderful, fantastic, amazing, insightful, emotional, repulsive, and deeply powerful. The first ten minutes, when Ariana and Tom discuss everything that has just occurred, are the finest breakup fight I have ever witnessed. Even greater than Tom and Shiv’s cruelty in this season of Succession. It was handled flawlessly. There is no music, sound effects, or distracting editing. It was the polar opposite of how we generally watch reality television, when the editors attempt to tug our emotions here and there. They didn’t have to in this case. They simply sat back and watched everything play out like an episode of Couples Therapy.
Ariana shows no compassion to this guy during the conversation. He claims to have lost his mojo, to which she responds, “So fuck my friend.” Fuck my pal, get your mojo back.” He claims that he has been unable to get an apology from Ariana in recent months. “You were already fucking my friend for a few months,” she adds. He informs her about his close relationship with Raquel. “Don’t you fucking talk to me about your deep connection,” she says. He says he’ll see her tomorrow. “Are you going to kiss and hug and talk about your deep connection?” she asks. He claims he has no idea. “Why couldn’t you just say no?” she asks.
Then she delivers the most terrible sentence you could possibly write: “I regret every moment I ever stood up for you.” I want you to know deep down in your spirit that you are worth nothing. “I’m sorry I ever loved you.”
It’s ideal. what is in order, and this guy is receiving what he deserves. Ariana’s grief is also wonderful, despite the fact that we never wanted to see her in this situation. She is the woman scorned, and she went on camera with a fucking blow torch, and I am just blown away by her.
We’ll return to Sandoval in a moment, but first, let’s discuss everyone else’s comments to the issue. Katie, Lala, and James, who have always been anti-Raquel, remain so, but they are now on the right side of history. I liked how Lala (with her “Send it to Darrell” apparel) and Katie rallied to Ariana’s side, as well as how Katie and Scheana set aside their feud for the sake of the situation. The one sequence in the show that I didn’t like was when they called Raquel. Everyone else in the room is quiet as James puts her on speakerphone, and they simply mock her.
“You literally just trashed [your friendships in L.A.] for Sandoval’s little cocky cock,” James tells her. His foul-smelling 40-year-old cock.” So, I suppose it’s a step forward when James’ first insult isn’t that he’s obese. We don’t know how this phone conversation ends since she presumably hung up on him, but it seemed like a 6th-grade sleepover to me. Yes, Raquel did something heinous, but why not save all the vitriol for Sandoval?
Lisa made me feel the same way. She claims Tom and Ariana weren’t having sex, but then she sees this stunning beauty queen who is definitely into it, and “it was too much to resist.” No, Raquel is not to blame. It’s not only Raquel’s fault. It’s not because she’s attractive or enjoys having sex. When you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for ten years, there’s no such thing as too much to resist. It is Tom’s responsibility to stand up to all of this, and Lisa, who has been happily married since the birth of Methuselah (who is also her husband), should know better than anybody.
I did, however, appreciate the fact that she provided Ariana a home to reside. Imagine Ariana moving into Villa Rosa, the Sweetgreen flagship shop that solely sells tiny horses. What happened to the sitcom? Unfortunately, there is a writer’s strike going on, otherwise I would be writing it right now. When Ariana comes to visit, Lisa is quite encouraging and promises her that things will get better; she just needs to wade through the trash fire soaked in sewage and Tom Sandoval’s pubic hair that is now her life.
Tom’s visit is unlike any other. I love how Lisa doesn’t take any crap from him, even when he breaks down and sobs into his hands. His motionless brow and white fingernails as he tears, ugh. It’s a no from me, because it’s so large you couldn’t fit it into the Grand Canyon. But Lisa strikes precisely the right tone with him, denouncing what he’s done and how he’s treated everyone, especially Ariana, but still providing him with just enough comfort to get through. At the end of the day, she is a mother figure on the show, and although she might despise what he did, she can’t completely despise Tom. At least, not as long as she’s generating money off of him in a variety of ways.
The response MVPs are Scheana and Katie, who are on opposing sides of the same Alta Beauty compact. While her homosexuals are destroying Tom’s prized dick flute at Ariana’s, Scheana tells us about her confrontation with Raquel while shooting Watch What Happens Live. (I like how this episode portrayed them as humans on a programme and how this talk show, BravoCon, all the press attention, and other outside factors of being on a reality show effect their true feelings.) She claims she pushed Raquel but did not hit her. In a confessional, she demonstrates that she can’t even create a fist with her nails, therefore she can’t hit someone. Hello, this is scientific evidence that may be used in any court of law. That’s why the restraining order was lifted.
It’s also fitting that Scheana receives the episode’s last scene. She discusses how she became friends with Sandoval initially and how, apart from Schwartz, she was the only one in his “camp” during the season. She left him quickly after hearing the news, and she had no compassion for him. When he speaks about how he attempted to break up with Ariana and she threatened suicide, Scheana advises him that’s when you rally her friends and family behind her and do the tough, difficult job of breaking it without, you know, fucking her best friend.
Scheana made a quick decision to do the right thing and gave another flawless speech that deserved, if not the complete EGOT, at least an Emmy and a Tony, the only two prizes that really count. “I don’t know where we’re going from here,” she admits. “We’re obviously no longer friends because I can no longer support anything you’ve done.” And I’m going to miss you terribly. You don’t deserve any friends right now, and I can’t get behind any of this.” That was his final chance to gain an ally, and he squandered it.
Of course, Katie refuses to speak with Sandoval, but she takes use of her chance to question Schwartz about what he knew, when he knew it, and what he did to stop it. He tells her he’s barely known her for a month, and Katie brings up a remark he made at BravoCon. Katie reminds him that when Raquel was dressed in a Tom Tom hoodie with nothing beneath, Schwartz told her that she wasn’t fangirling for him. When he disputes it, Katie adds, “Why don’t you get on the right side of everything, shock everyone, and tell the truth for a change.”
He does, and claims he was aware of the one-night affair, but hoped Tom would split up with Ariana so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. From the snivelling way he handled Katie during their divorce to covering up for his closest buddy (which we’re reminded Tom, Tom, and Jax have been doing for a decade), Schwartz has had a horrible season. But tonight was the worst. When his closest buddy comes up with his life shattered, he’s more concerned about their bar and his image. The only thing as selfish as Sandoval’s actions was Schwartz’s reaction to them.
Even when he comes up to the rooftop bar to chat to Ariana, he attempts his old puppy dog, “Isn’t this place cool” routine on everyone, but they’re no longer believing it. Even as Katie attempts to persuade him to accept responsibility for his role in all of this, he expresses concern about man-eating crocodiles in Florida. Schwartz, come on.
We don’t see much of Raquel in the show, only one moment when Sandoval goes to her home and she’s alone with no lights on just her fucking galaxy globe, as if she’s a 12-year-old caught sneaking out after curfew. She seemed to have no guilt for what she done, owing to her isolation. Well, of course! She messed over everyone who loved her (uh, Scheana paid for her flat???!!!) for Sandoval’s pompous cock. (Ugh, maybe James was correct to be so nasty.)
It’s still difficult to tell what she actually feels about all of this. She and Tom exchange “I love you”s throughout the scenario, but we know they just broke up today, so we know how it all ends. I have a feeling we’ll be talking about her in the reunion recap next week. (That’s correct. I wrote to the proprietor of this website, Daddy Moneybags Vulture. He has agreed to enable us to keep the Vanderpump Rules section of the Real Housewives Institute open for three more weeks.)
Tom Sandoval truly galled me, far more than I imagined he could. It begins at the very beginning of the show, when Ariana mentions discovering film of him and Raquel having a mutual diddle (at Schwartz’s!!!!) on his phone. “It’s something I would have normally deleted.” Please excuse my “normally would have deleted” [insert every exclamation point ever used]. Why would you have anything like this on your phone often enough to have a plan of action? You should not erase it if you are in a monogamous relationship since it should not be something you record. It ought not to exist.
Ariana tells returning champion Kristen Doute something really profound about how she and Tom kissed when he was still with Kristen. She claims that you believe it is situational at the time. You believe that a certain series of events has brought you to this place, so you make some concessions. But she discovered that this is who this person is, and it took her nine years to find it out.
I believe the same is true for the viewers, which is why this controversy has had such an effect on the Bravo community. Consider all the things we’re not addressing, the cold cases that aren’t so cold anymore, as Lala puts it. Tom made Kristen seem bad for cheating on him with Jax, but he was doing the same thing. He convinced us all that Miami Girl was a crazed stalker attempting to get on the programme, and that Kristen was horrible for bringing her around. Then we learn, as he explains, that “Ariana always knew the truth about that.” So he fucked her.
Then there’s Billie Lee, and there were rumours that they were sleeping together, which everyone rejected. Tom tells Scheana that he cheated on Ariana again, and this time it wasn’t with some random individual. Is that Billie? Yes, they are personality qualities, not circumstances. And every time this tendency manifested itself, he lied about the ladies in his life in order for us to trust him and keep him likeable at their price. That’s what irritates me: he manipulated all of us, creating so many villains around him that we couldn’t see that he was the Keyser Söze the whole time. And I apologise, but we can’t forgive him, even if he’s giving us some of the greatest, rawest, most authentic television I’ve ever seen.