The crazy is meant to be saved for the last whistle at Stamford Bridge. Rather, Manchester United and Chelsea produced the Citizen Kane of subpar football. The hosts threw away a masterpiece in folly in the first 100 minutes and won the last two, making it the finest worst game the Premier League has ever seen.
The match ball, which Cole Palmer, the ice man who seemed to have been engulfed in the ridiculous game’s intensity, had been forlornly booted at United defenders for the better part of thirty minutes, ended up in his possession. Erik ten Hag’s chances of qualifying for the Champions League, which might have saved his job, vanished in the space of two minutes as Diogo Dalot collided with Noni Madueke, giving Palmer a penalty. Then, the whole United defense switched off to allow the coldest guy on Fulham Road to drill in a corner.
As these fallen titans fight for crumbs, it seems fitting that this outcome should send Chelsea careening up the table from 11th to 10th. The absurdity of the situation is only made worse. The stock trade of both the Blues and United this season is that you knew coming into it that this was going to be ridiculous. Nevertheless, nothing could have adequately readyed you for this.
Although Chelsea does not play to make things easy for themselves, their guests were determined to be kind hosts right from the start. Even though it was obvious from the first week of play that Casemiro could not realistically put together a whole midfield on an island 20 yards wide and long, ten Hag persisted in trying, pushing his players up and up despite their backline showing no signs of recovery. Chelsea had a plenty of alternatives to move the ball up the field once they gained the ball back.
United’s retaliation was mediocre and their tackles were careless. Malo Gusto was the one who decided to look for opportunities on the perimeter of the box as the trailing defenders continued to rush towards their goal line. This allowed Gusto to drive down the wing unhindered and his ball to deflect in the direction of Gallagher. Andre Onana has been knocked down low to his left many times this season, so it’s possible that some of the people in the way of him and the ball prevented him from seeing.
Giving up early exposed United’s “midfield” even more. The visitors’ front line was in a desperate attempt to break back with every passing play that failed, resulting in a five-alarm inferno for them. Clumsiness is unavoidable in situations like these, and Antony rushed into Marc Cucurella inside his own penalty area. Palmer scored the penalty kick as expected, making half of his 14 Premier League goals from 12-yard range currently.
Even for a squad that has given up two goals in each of their previous five games, it ought to have been it. With heads down, United was inconsolable, and Ten Hag was picking fights with the fourth official. All Chelsea needed to do was deflate the opposition, maintain possession for a little, and, if necessary, hit the ball sideways. Not in that way, please. Alejandro Garnacho received a loose ball from Moises Caicedo that he rolled across his own third before sprinting to put past Djordje Petrovic.
Had United figured out anything about their rival? Not especially, and they didn’t make any clear changes to be a bigger danger to Chelsea. Simply said, when you depend on the unique skills of highly compensated athletes, they may sometimes produce something really amazing. even Antony.
He opened out his body to float the ball across field to Dalot, proving that, for once, his insistence on cutting onto his left foot was the perfect move. Despite having six players in their penalty area to handle the cross, none of them seemed to spot Bruno Fernandes and Rasmus Hojlund at the back post, where the latter was poised to head in an equalizer.
There were still more strange subplots in this game to go through. Raphael Varane was clearly having trouble over a large portion of the first half; Jonny Evans, who replaced him at halftime, played for 21 minutes. Willy Kambwala, the substitute for the injured player, was maybe the finest defender on the field. The bar was, to be honest, very low on that one.
Even the Atlanta Hawks would be insulted to call the second half of a basketball game. Forwards bombed up the court, using just their energies and no predetermined movements to get into space. It was at that same moment, when Antony’s ingenious trivela allowed Garnacho to score at the back post, that I started to question our previous drinking habits. The query “Wait, what exactly have I been drinking” appeared before long.
There were narratives unfolding wherever you looked. The majority of Scott McTominay’s games were entered. The home support, who once adored Mason Mount, cried out in dismay upon his return to Stamford Bridge, seemingly unwilling to acknowledge the possibility that his sale—arranged just in time for the 2022–2023 season—might have made the difference between a PSR passing grade and a deduction of points, which Mauricio Pochettino’s team cannot afford as they pursue any kind of European football.
Time was on Chelsea’s side as all of these storylines started to come together. assaulting a rival who had shown no proof that they could or would defend for a quarter of the game. Ten Hag’s demand that Chelsea pursue the Blues high and low worked better for the visitors than dropping into a deep block, but Chelsea may have still had chances if they had not been so adamant on hitting the ball at a pile of United bodies every time the audience yelled “shoot.”
If they were to just inside the box, United would undoubtedly get alarmed. They didn’t understand it until the 98th minute, when Dalot—possibly slipping on the wet grass—sent Madueke hurtling forward. You were attempting to plan the most ridiculous denouement by this point. Palmer seemed to have missed his first penalty, but the Barclays are always wiser. Dalot was resolved to make apologies after delivering a spot kick.
He took off toward the Chelsea box. Instead of making a shot, he gave up a turnover. Surely this was Raheem Sterling’s chance to put those skeptics to rest? Once again, the Premier League’s unrelenting narrative power came up with a superior concept. Palmer was the only guy who survived the opportunity that Enzo Fernandez had cut short in a corner. Only one member of the United squad felt obligated to stand in the way of the goal after half of the team had warned of the danger. Palmer made a deliberate strike with the ball, forcing McTominay to step in front of it. Players like McTominay do that, regardless of the fact that all he did was deflect a shot that Onana was certain to hold.
An appropriately absurd conclusion to the kind of game that will be remembered as the season’s biggest disasterclass. Never should a side try to replicate the performance that Chelsea and Manchester United recently produced. You still want and hope that they do.
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Manchester United vs. Chelsea is a ridiculous masterclass in a ridiculous fight of fallen titans.
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